My Life as a Space-Time Traveler: A True Story

My Life as a Space-Time Traveler:
Vortexes, Human-like creatures, Blackholes, oh my!

Chapter 1

Life harbors suffering and struggle with harrowing impunity. It has neither remorse nor reticence in its self-serving existence, and its only aim is survival. Yet, somehow my life strands have been woven together to form a greater design over mere self-preservation. I was born for this, I thought, as I jet-streamed across the killing horizon. The great vortex of whitewash beneath my conversion board was the unitary pulse fed on by my heart, but felt by my feet as they gripped the board with over 9 G's of pressure. I am lightning. Electrostatic discharge races over every square inch of my body-glove as I surge forward and down into the abyss like a bat out of hell.

Vortex I-C-niner is buried deep in the hadopelagic, nearly 7000 meters below sea level. I will be the first human-like being to enter its roaring mouth. While other more well-known sea vortexes have been traversed into deep space, this mighty vortex has only recently been discovered on deionized depth-charge radar two months earlier. This journey that will last for merely a few seconds has seen years in preparation time and 32 billion dollars in accrued expenses. Yet, I was not one to worry about dollars and cents. Now was the time to maximize on living!

My third arm aches as I grip the throttle with swollen white knuckles. The Redline conversion board I ride on is state-of-the-art Xentaz technology. The best in its class. Telemetric diridium paneling and laser driven fission combustion propels this awesome craft. No plutonium needed in this baby. I was fortunate enough to have out-ceded my main competitor for this venture, and it was I who was chosen to explore sector Q-17z of the NGC - 4414 galaxy located in the Coma Berenices constellation. Sure, this region of 'space' is located approximately 20 million parsecs in distance from Earth, but that is but a heartbeat if one travels via worm-hole navigation as I am doing today.

At the moment of the quantum flop (the point at which matter transfers from deep sea into distant space), my eyeballs and other gelatinous organs compress to diamond density. No sooner does my backwashed scream exit then reenter my mouth as I flop, do my organs return to standard earth-field density. I soon am drawing in deep breaths of the xenon/argon mixture coming from my tanks holstered to my neck.

'Made it!" I disseminate to the heavens with pleasure as I observe my surroundings. I am bathed in a racemic mixture of light and dark matter and the trinary star system of Athos, Deutron, and Pithyia shine with a brilliant radiance before me. Not too far away, a quasar pulses arhythmically, yet my external vestibula filter the radiation it emits and converts the energy into the most beautiful of aural music. It is believed that leviathan arrograuts reside here feeding off the bountiful dark matter decomposing into neutral gravity. Perhaps I would encounter a few of these truly unique and obscure isms. While arrograuts have no organs, they manifest a lifeforce analogous to the baleen whales of ancient Earth. They are truly magnificent creatures rarely found closer than a million parasecs from the inner rim of the Orion Arm of the Milky Way galaxy. Their observance, however, would not be the main purpose of this trip.

In deep space, light refracts shallow. It is this arc-inverted energy that allows teleportation through time. I aim to harness this force with my flux algorithm redactor device. While I don't intend to become mared by fame, I know that this utilization of space will make me known, the galaxy-over. Nevertheless, I dark-slide forward one parasec at a time until I reach a wide pocket of interstellar medium with the correct amalgam necessary for time teleportation. 

Although I am quite excited by this adventure, I quickly realize my stark loneliness. Acid etches its way out of my poriforous cornea onto my weathered cheeks. "I wish Ladia were here" I call out in the same pitch as the quasar pulses. Ladia Rexgouz Bechral Orkrali Efron Kalifa was my 19th wife before I consumed her, like all the others, on one stormy Hexotember evening. She was not as tasty as Helicha Egreti etc. yet she was up there in succulence. "If only I had waited till after this mission to devour her with oreo cookies and halflaff tofu spread.Then I'd be with a companion here." My shoulders shrug signaling sweet misery yet my second sub-brain communicates with my corrugated cerebellum that it is time to focus on the task at hand: utilize the dark matter depression for picoflop compression and resultant teleportation expression. I do so with great care not to overload my internal flux manifold then think about where and when I want to be. 

Blinding gamma-rays enter area V6 of my occipital cortex and I am left chrome-hazed for an instant. Then I come-to smack in front of a real human -- a really tall female, who immediately smacks me over my cubic head with some sort of a club. I am out for the count and my consciousness becomes consumed by a supermassive black hole.

Chapter 2

My primary brain feels like a hypernova as I sit up suddenly into a vast rusted plateau. The particulate sky is a burning green with silver flecks tessellating like a lattice of white-dwarf stars ejecting their hot plasma. The air is drier than the Atacama desert and my tongue feels like sandpaper. I rotate my cubic head toward my captor who happens to be a beautiful giant of a woman. At approximately six feet, the head of this enchantress looms a good three feet above mine if I were to stand. I notice that my air tank and bodyglove have been surgically removed from my body leaving me as naked as a Brazilian water gnute. My third arm flops listlessly in the blusterous wind. This was not what I had envisioned as I wielded dark matter into my flux redactor. Yet I am here so I have to deal with it.

"Who are you?" asks the gorgeous creature before me.

"I go by the name of Hethro Xath Hyugg-gho Anzkrak Acon Syetz etc. I'm from Earth. Where am I?"

"You are here. Good 'ol Cyrus: 9th ellipsoid from the Swath." she curtly replies. "What is Earth?" the lady asks with more than curiosity in her fiery violet eyes. She has a highly angular body with prominent peaks located in the front and rear of her smooth cream-colored thorax. Strange, very fine blue strands emanates from her scalp, and she has a nose, mouth and only two ears. She seems to be missing a few. I wonder what happened to them? Her legs and arms (two only) are wrapped in some silk-like skin with fine follicles scattered here and there. Beautiful, but quite different from my carbonized scales.

"Earth!" I exclaim. "The 19th most exotic planet in the Milky Way Galaxy. I'm assuming by Swath, you are referring to your sun"

"Sun: Swath. Maybe!" She nods. "You don't look quite human, little man. Are you?"

"I would have been called that 2,500 years ago. But we've evolved, I suppose" I reply with a smile. "You must be related to my race as you look as the ancient articles describe 'human'. But I've never heard of Cyrus. What galaxy are we in?"

"Galaxy? What's that? What the dellzone are you talking about?!"

"Nevermind. Can I have my suit and my air tank back please? I'm dehydrating in this arid climate."

"You mean these?" she says pointing at my apparel."Sure. I just wanted to see what you looked like underneath." She blushes and a warm glow illuminates her cheeks.

With lightning speed I dawn the items and resume the breathing of exotic gases from my tank. I instantly feel better. "Do you have a name?" I ask politely.

"What is name?" she seems confused.

"What do you call yourself!" I spit out in exasperation.

"I don't call myself anything! I am! But you can call me Jane Doe." On hearing that name. I let out a hideous scream and I fall to my knees.

"What a horrendous name!" I yell out to her. "That's the name of our most evil demigod who lives in the fire pits of hell! Just that very spoken name sends daggers into my gelatinous heart!"

"Sorry! Ok, call me 'Bob' " she replies.

I scream again, this time falling flat on my face. My three ears ache in blistery pain. "No! That's the name of our second most evil demigod!"

Her beautiful violet eyes role into the back of her head and she says "Call me whatever you want then!"

I sit back up with a burp, look her straight in the eyes, and smile."I will call you Princess Petunia."

"Fine."

"Now Petunia, I need to find an ocean. Do you know what that is?" I ask her with fear in my eyes.

"Yes, of course. We have 11 of them on Cyrus. Why do you want an ocean?"

Not having anymore dark matter in my manifold, I know that finding a suitable vortex is my only way of returning to the substation of deep space for another try at time travel or to return home via supermassive black hole. "You wouldn't be able to understand even if I could explain it to you, Princess Petunia, but if you take me to the ocean I will drag you with me. How 'bout it?"

She beams with happiness. "I love traveling! Let's go!"

So the two of us head out by foot towards the nearest ocean known as Helicon-Six with only the weight of the universe on my shoulders. No big deal.

Chapter 3

The two ungainly strangers make their way across the rusted plateau with lightly-placed footsteps. Both are mindful of how the other walks. While Princess Petunia has a long yet delicate gait, Hethro's is more like a romp through twice-baked mashed-potatoes. Clumsy as walking is for him, he realizes the futility in using his conversion board for the two of them, so he hoists it on his back. Oddly enough, the lady has yet to ask about it. 

The windswept soil is barren and unfriendly looking. There is no vegetation to be seen aside from some chameleon-lichen growing sporadically here and there. Petunia carefully collects these as they travel forward and places them in a chartreuse tunic made of felt. She reveals to Hethro that they are used to dye her hair and he nods in contemplation.

"Are those edible, Princess?" I ask politely, my two stomachs rumbling.

"No, aside from the dye that one can extract from the lichen, they are also used as a fertilizer in the preparation of fungshoo: a bonzai cactus grown for recreational purposes." replies Petunia.

"Are there other people like you on this planet? Why are you the only one I see?" 

"We are many," she replies, "but we live beyond the Hills of Darthow about 450 clicks levo-dost from here. I am out her on my own doing as you see me now." She folds in half to collect more lichen. "It's how I earn my keep in the city. Hey, why don't I take you there before we go on our great adventure? It would be educational for you!" Pentunia gives me a warm smile. I hesitate for I have a mission to accomplish. Nonetheless, the discovery of this human civilization may provide useful back on Earth, so I agree, leaving my time-teleportation tactics for a later time.

We then change our trajectory towards the distant hills of Darthow as our journey continues. After 35 minutes of uneventful walking, we approach a cluster of purple shrubbery containing miniature banana-like fruit. There is a babbling stream that bisects the bushes as it meanders out towards the hills. I am fascinated by what I see.

"Look at those wee yellow fruits!" I exclaim, "are they safe to eat?" 

"Not unless you want swollen lymph-nodes by the evening. Those are terracox tasties. We let our livestock graze on them, but they are not particularly digestible to us."

Despite her warnings, I reach out and snatch a few, then scarf them down. They taste like sweetened meatloaf. "Yum yum! These are quite delicious! Perhaps my digestive organs differ from yours, me princess."

"I don't know..." she voices in concern.

I was hungry. Nothing would stop me from consuming more. Not even common sense, which wasn't in great abundance these days anyhow. I reach for more, but then it hits me. Like two trombones tooting in discord to one another, my mandibula begins to vibrate uncontrollably. "vvvvwhaat, theee heezwaaaarts!" I bark out! "heeeelp!" Petunia, reaches out with both hands and clasps my chin and noses in a vice-like grasp until the vibrations disappear. 

"Are you alright?" she trembles in fear. 

"I think so. That hurt! But I was so hungry that I couldn't resist." I guffaw. "Let's continue shall we?" She nods and we resume our motions forward leaving behind the purple shrubbery. We follow along the stream and it gradually grows as we approach the looming hills. 

Minutes later, we arrive at a brightly-lit and narrow passage-way tunneled directly into the hills. The sky still shimmers with the light of many white dwarf stars ejecting their plasma, but now the once aquamarine canvas of the heavens has turned a dark navy green. On the walled entrance to the passage, there are numerous glyphs and other curious artworks etched in. There is a sign that says: 'walk your shmoos here'

"What are 'shmoos'?" I ask. 

"Oh, those are our pets slash transportation devices. You'll see them once we enter the city." A cold breeze siphoned itself through my axillary ear and I registered the off-key notes of A-minor. 

The walk through the tunnel lasted a good seven minutes. On exit, we were greeted by the sounds of hundreds of congo drums and savory smells of nutmeg and lemon-balm. There were strobe lights flashing from every adobe edifice that I could see. Amongst the noise, the smells, and the sounds, I saw strange orangutan-elephant hybrids romping here and there through the pink-tiled streets. My senses were overwhelmed. I once again fainted much to the dismay of Petunia.

Chapter 4

In the city that seldom sleeps, a most unusual unrest would develop for its citizens on the arrival of this midget and his futuristic paraphernalia. No one had ever really expected to encounter an extraterrestrial in this rather pleasant lifetime. This was a shock to the system creating both turmoil and conflict to currently held beliefs. For most, the idea that life could derive elsewhere in the universe was a contradiction to common-sense. But now their faces would be rubbed in the evidence on sight of this midget of a man. Princess Petunia, as she was endearingly called by Hethro, was not one of those disbelievers, however. She was a dreamer of the highest standard. It was merely 15 rotations of the planet around the seth, that she envisioned giant whales singing out in space. At 37 rotations, she had deliberated on the deep future of her people. How would they survive when their seth supernovaed? Surely they would all be mercilessly evaporated in the hot plasma spewed off the seth. Perhaps a strange race of human with carbonized scales would come to their rescue and assist in an evacuation plan before it was too late, she had once thought.

Now her contemplations were of the immediate future with her new found midget pal. Would she get to explore the Triangulum Emission Garren Nebula, NGC 604 or perhaps the Eagle or Orion nebulae? Dust clouds of particulate matter in the heavens have always sparked her imagination. Looking into the sky with the 2.8 meter refraction telescope her great-great grand uncle, Pluto, had given her, she would often thirstily 'sip' down visions of massive interstellar battles amongst the ort clouds. Maybe with Hethro she would experience first-hand the greater universe. She would go nowhere, however, with Hethro splayed out on the alabaster tiles as he was now.

"Hey you! Help me drag my buddy to my abode will you?" Petunia yelled out to the first passerby that came across them. This happened to be a stout green-haired 'brother' wearing an emerald tunic and beige spotted underpants. He rides on one of the lovable shmoos Hethro happened to look upon before fainting.

"Who the Gnoozle is that, sister?!" he barks out in bafflement.

"This is our brother from a distant mother. He's here for the preliminary planning of planetary evacuation come Seth's aural ejaculations." she replied back to him. "Help me please."

Still in a state of confusion, the man asks: "How far is your hut? What number? We can hoist him on my shmoo."

"I reside in hut # 458, raycliff cul-de-sac. Will you help us?"

Being one of the more friendly denizens of Darthow, he promptly agrees. The man picks up Hethro like a sack of potatoes along with Hethro's funky electronic pallet-shaped apparatus (the Redline conversion board) and throws them into the deep and cozy pile of thick frizzy orange fur of the lovable shmoo. Hethro is still out for the count when they arrive at a hexagonal-shaped building made of reinforced Styrofoam and clay with # 458 engraved on the triangular door. These adobe huts are ideal for habituation as they allow for the balanced transfer of oxygen and sodium carbonate gas through its minute elastine pores while maintaining the temperature at a cozy 130 degrees kelvin. (There is no such thing as weather in the hills of Darthrow as the city is situated in a unique ecological enclave of stagnant air). Petunia thrusts her head into the door's 'head button' and it slides longitudinally into a recess in the wall. 

The stout man removes Hethro from his nest, carries him into the hut and then hurls him into a small swimming pool of yellow jello located in the center of the room. As this is revival goop, Hethro immediately and violently awakens struggling to remain afloat. "How could you be so rough with him!" Petunia scolds at the man. "You didn't even consider how the dravidya might cause him to react based on his neural circuitry. Now look at him!" She grabs hold of Hethro's arm and quickly pulls him out of the jelly and onto her shmoo-hair rug.

"Where the Jane Doe am I??" I pique out as I sit upright."

"Sorry about the rough handling, I gotta go" says the stout man as he rushes out the door after propping up the conversion board against the Styrofoam wall. I am bewildered

"My apologies for that bungle of a man. You fainted on entry into the city. It could have been because of the smells emanating from the 87 bakeries we have throughout the city, or perhaps the strobe lights got to you. I'm not sure exactly. Anyhow, you are in my bungalow now. Would you like something to eat. You must be starving based on the way you scarfed down those terracox tasties out in the wilderness."

"Yes, please, and something to wash down whatever you are going to serve me. Thanks." I say. Petunia leaves the room through a curtain of stringed chameleon lichen into the kitchen and then returns five seconds later with a tray of delightful morsels of various color and texture. There are crackleclop pieces arranged in a small liquid-filled dish of glass. She hands the dish to Hethro and instructs him on how to eat the snack.

"Here you go. place your mouth over the opening to the plate and let the zyuu juice flow into your mouth as the cracklepops gently roll into your gaping crevice. Don't be shy now. Eat up!" I do as she tells me to, allowing everything to just slide down my gullet thereby appeasing my two complaining stomachs. My third arm wistfully scratches the stubble on my forehead as I do so.

"This tastes like archanoid balm -- a delicacy in my country. Very fantastic."

"What is country?"

"Never mind, me princess. I am feeling splendid now. How about you take me on a tour of your city and then head off to the ocean?" I ask in all eagerness.

"It's late, and we've had a long quaz. Let me put you to hibernate and tomorrow, bright and early, I will share a bit of my life with you."

Feeling somewhat drugged, I nod in agreement. Petunia directs me through a barren hole in the wall to a tall vertical cylinder delineated by more shmoo-like material. "There you go, Hethro. Have a nice zauq. I'll see you in the quaz." she says.

Having never slept standing up before, I smile and think to myself 'why not'. I say 'goodzauq' to Petunia, having picked up the lengua franca, enter my cylinder and I'm out cold for the third time today.

Chapter 5

I dream a dream of shmoo
Orange fluffy hair
Not knowing where I am
Whether I'm here or there
So soft is it's down
On my carbonic scales
The universe awaits the calls
of the astral whales
I dream a dream of the arrograuts
Their mighty echos roar
Though distant from the Earth
I yearn for them more and more
But I am in a strange land
far away in space and time
I met this pretty human being
I hope to make her mine
Lost and hungry
she was great to meet
but now i hope to consume her
like my other wives, I eat
Till I awake anew
under emerald sky
Never stop to question
Where I am and why

"Wake up, Hethro!" I hear Petunia calling me through the haze of a dream. My eyes peel slowly open like butterfly wings soaking the sun. For a moment, I am disoriented. Still encased in my vertical cocoon sack, I writhe with such force that both casing and I fall to the floor in a spectacular tangle.

"Stop moving or I won't be able to free you from the shahyla," Petunia voices across the shmoo-like material. And then I see the light. Or rather, it sees me. My corneas siphon the gamma and infrared waves of the seth pouring into the overhead portal, and a cool teal color fills my sight.

"What a beautiful light spectrum you have on this planet, Princess! It's like I'm swimming in a sea of alpha algae." I say.

"Yes the light of quaz can be quite spectactular this time of the axial rotation of the cyrus around the seth. The elliptical nature of the planet's crustal transformation allows the seth's light to disperse off the crystalline-lattice composition of our third gorp rendering the sky various shades of green."

"Tell me. Is a gorp a lunar body resembling a small planet that orbits Cyrus?"

"Point-blank, my friend. Shall we quench our wanderlust now or tour the Darthow cavity first?" Petunia asks with a minor trace of petulance to her voice.

"I'd love to be shown around a bit. But first, my photovoltaic spinal sensors need scrubbing. May I clean them with something?"

Petunia deftly reaches around my body and extracts a scrubber from a cubby-hole by my shoulders and hands it to me."Try this. It's sphome: 93% organic, with 7% sulfur dioxidace for that hard-to-clean shine." she says to me with a grin.

...

After purifying myself, we immediately head out into the city. Our transportation is another one of those lovable shmoos parked out by the side of the hut. 'These really are fascinating creatures' I thought to myself as we galloped deep into the burroughs of Darthrow. Their orangutan faces resemble my third aunt 8 times removed, and their elephantine mass is a wonder of nature. This lovable shmoo is producing the exquisite musky odors of the terracox tasties I ate yesterday. That's probably what they feast on.' My thoughts drift along with the lumbering ride.

As far as I can see, there are various edifices of Styrofoam and clay, all more unusual than the next. One building before me is carved in the form of a perfect sphere with 12 protrusions at symmetrical angles to one another. Petunia informs me that the 'windows' not only serve as light portals but that they also allow the light photons to interact with the gelatinous material of the refreshing dravidya pools resulting in bio-thermal rejuvenation. Several citizens moving along through the city's many corridors freeze their movements as we come across their field of vision and gasp in surprise at seeing me. It doesn't phase me, however, and I continue to admire the scenery of this unusual civilization.

The strobe lights of yesterday are no longer flashing from the portals of the buildings although the boom of drums resounds, always seemingly emanating from a great distance. "What's the significance of the noise that I hear?" I ask Petunia.

"That is the sound of the castro-carver's. We use them to mine parponium at the outskirts of the city." replies Petunia with an air of authority. "For nine of the ten quazzes of the periodical grak, these monolithic machines output 482 million cubits per quaz of parponium. We rely on the mineral as an irrigating reagent in the production of bio-synthetic produce. In other words, the rock helps us to sustain the agricultural viability of this planet. Without it we would have neither food nor building material for our oceanic enclaves."

I was lost by the time she got to speaking of 'irrigating reagents,' yet I kept my ears peeled for the symphonic sounds of nature. A cacophony of disharmonic Q-pitched vibrations graced the atmospheric medium. Too hard to discern their sources, I ignore them and continue to analyze what I can with my limited myopic vision. I can barely make out pink smoke in the distance rising up beyond the undulating hills.

I hear and experience many interesting aspects of life within the city tour. Petunia explains to me how people make an income, what the typical day is like for the average 'meacon' living on Cyrus, the forms of entertainment available etc. By random approximation, I imagine that it is the earth equivalent of early afternoon.

"Thanks a billion for the tour, Princess, but now it's high time we go on a different sort of adventure. I will take you to outer-space and beyond. We will travel across many millennial ages, experience the harrowing echos of arrograuts and burn across the whitewased vortexes of deep-sea hydrovents." With a nod of her pretty head she acquiesces and we quietly and quickly make our way out of the city after collecting my conversion board from her hut and purchasing a hypoplasmic deep-sea pressurized diving suit from the local grocery story.

Once out of Darthrow, we traveled for three hours by lovable shmoo across the windswept plateau known as Hegel's plain, down through the Afrotristle forest of semi-aquatic fern trees until we reached the mangroves of Helicon 6. An expansive beach of iridescent sand shimmered as far as the eye could see left and right, and the mangroves happened to be attached steadfast to the shoreline. The glimmer of purple frequency band light emitting from the sand was hurting my occipital cortex quite viciously so in great haste we mounted the Redline and took of into the murky depths at an alarming 780 nautical miles per second. The journey into the abyss was a quick one and before Petunia could drag more nitrox into her gullet from her regulator we were there: A rather tremendous vortex was before us. I had warned her during the journey across land that we would experience sudden and excruciating body turmoil as we flatlined across the killing horizon and then gravity-planed across the outgoing black hole's event horizon.

Down we go, gulping down deridium as we furiously raged towards the singularity with bicuspids, canines and auxiliary molars clenched together in vice-like grips from which only death could escape. At point zero we become one with anti-matter and a complete annihilation once again consumes our eternal cores. We make it into deep space at the speed of super-charged lightning as we are ejected from our point of exit: a supermassive blackhole.

I was more satisfied than I had ever been in my life --- even before the thought of consuming the Princess crosses my mind for a second time today. I have an adventure companion that I can experience life anew, and for this I was eternally grateful. Loneliness had vanished and had been replaced with a feeling too hard to express in words. But it was there. That warm feeling of completeness. This leg of the journey was over for us but our grand adventures had only just begun. Only time -- and space -- could tell where we were to head off to next!

THE END